Coming to Terms with Calling it Quits

This is well over due but since I never put it out there officially and I still get asked about my derby career, I figured it’s better late than never. If you can’t tell from my title of said blog, I have decided to retire from derby. Thing is, I decided at the end of October and I’m only now saying it. It was a hard decision then to make and it’s only now that it’s been done for so long that I’m starting to feel confident about my decision.

I think the hardest part about leaving derby was you. You as in my family, friends and fellow skaters. It was my pleasure to hear someone say they wanted to see me skate. It was awesome to hear you telling people you knew someone who does derby. I wanted to be that person you came to cheer on. I liked the hour long drive to and from practice because I got to spend time with my friends. I liked making new friends, partying and just being involved in something outside of my home. It was a hard decision to decide to go; I felt like I was letting you down. I still feel like I gave up the only thing that people found interesting about me.

But I still don’t regret my decision. So here’s my story why. It really starts at the beginning. August 2010, I start derby. I was a newer mom. My son was just over a year old and that was a rough age for me. His ability to stuff everything into his mouth, his ability to be mobile and his inability to understand “no” really had me frustrated. I needed a break from being mom and let’s just say it, I needed the exercise too. Starting derby made me a better mom. I was able to channel any frustrations into my practices and I was just really excited when I would be able to accomplish something new I thought I wouldn’t be able to.

Let’s skip forward in time to February 2011. I hurt my MCL. I’m benched for two months. I’m sad, because it happened days before my first bout and the injury lasts so long that it takes me out of the next bout too. I’m depressed about it. But something else happens. I’m at home…a lot. And my son is now in a stage that is not so frustrating. I find that when I’m healed and returning to practice, I no longer feel guiltless about leaving. I want to spend more time at home. I never end up shaking this feeling.

So I go months of practices where I feel like I’m being dragged there. First I get myself to go because I haven’t spent all this time to not have bouted EVER. So that keeps me going. I repeat to myself “that’s where the magic is.” That’s what I’m missing..bouting. If I bout, my passion will return. Four bouts later and I still couldn’t relight that excitement that burned inside before.

November 2011, I went on leave from derby. I wasn’t ready to say it was over yet. I was hoping that being gone completely would be the mental refresher I needed. But by the time my leave was over and it was time to consider going back, I knew that I would not. I am happy just where I am and I realized that seriously considering having a baby #2, made me want to spend my time with baby #1. In that regards, it was an easy choice. (Not pregnant, if you’re wondering.)

I do miss a lot of things about derby. Mostly my girls. It’s not always easy hearing endless stories that all end with “you had to be there.” But I couldn’t keep going to be in on the joke. I had to decide for myself that I wanted something else for my nights, and I’m happy with my decision. So I’m sorry if I quit before you could see me action. But when I heard the fat lady sing (and I’m not referring to myself), I had to listen. It was great while it lasted and I have a lot of fun memories to keep with me always.