Adventures in Potty Training

I must be doing something wrong. This past week I read the following quotes which were accompanied by major eye rolls:

"I love changing diapers. I love it. I love every moment of it, it's so beautiful. I love it all!" ~ Beyonce

(Regarding potty training) “Basically, [you have to] take them to the military! I took him to the military! No, it’s really just consistency and love and support and it was just amazing.” ~Alicia Keys~

Who LOVES changing diapers?!? Who calls potty training amazing!?!  Though I agree with Alicia, it is definitely about consistency and it feels amazing when your kid gets those few moments right but overall the experience is a nightmare. Ok, fine, I’ll accept that perhaps my child is more difficult than others. But I can’t imagine I’m the only person to think this a long and tedious stage.

Desmond started potty training two months after his third birthday. The start date was just randomly chosen. It was just decided it was time to do it. The first day, Desmond sat on the potty every 30 minutes; we even let him set the timer. (I swear pushing the buttons on the microwave was a real pleasure for him, who’d thunk?) He was wearing big boy underwear and the 30 minute rule wouldn’t always stop accidents. So we decided to let him go naked from the waist down. It worked. He would definitely know nothing was on him to catch his pee. His success rate increased significantly. After two days of walking in the buff, the boy had it down. We ventured back into big boy underpants. It was a success.

Now…comes the fun part. We noticed a few days in that Desmond hadn’t pooped. Well, I know for a fact he has at least one daily dump at 5:30pm. Almost without fail, he would shit his shorts on the way home from the sitters. I would say it was day four when my son starting begging for a diaper. He knew he had to go but didn’t want to go in his new underwear or the potty. It was so hard for me to deny him but if I did it once, he’d just want to do it again. So I turned to my dear sister who has raised three boys for help. Desmond is now on ½ capful of Miralax every day until he learns to go regularly on the potty.

Well, I believe it was day 5 when the big explosion happened. Desmond could no longer resist the pressure in his intestines and left a wet stinky trail through my kitchen and into my front room before I picked him up and got him into the bathroom. To make matters worse, Desmond flipped out about the mess in his pants before I could get both of his legs through the leg hole. So he kicked his leg so viciously that he became a human poop sprinkler in my bathroom. I kid you not, two weeks later and I’m still finding specs on my wall that I’m cleaning off. Me and my bathroom were a big brown mess. It was one of the grossest things that I’ve ever done as a parent.

Now two weeks later, Desmond is a pee in the potty champ. We use special stickers on a homemade chart after every time he goes. He gets these "deluxe" stickers for going #2. Unfortunately after two weeks he only has 3 "deluxe" stickers. That’s right; my little guy is still holding his turds and fighting using the potty for #2. But I’m being diligent and consistent and it’s working. I give him his Miralax every day and it has made his bowels soft making it more appealing to go. (I mean who wants to poop a rock hard corn-on-the-cob side turd?)

(Des’s ghetto chart…his pee stickers have migrated to the wrong side too.)

And now the joy of having a potty trained child has started. Yes, I love not investing in diapers. But do I love running to the potty in the middle of gymnastics class? Do I enjoy spending my entire time at the library in the bathroom because poop is coming that never comes? Do I love having to dress and redress him every time because he refuses to do his business with clothes on? No not really. But I can say I love being a parent. I love that this will make him an independent kid. I love that he refers to his pee as making apple juice and his poop as snakes.

And for those of you who have made it this far into my blog, I say thank you. And I’ll let you in on a little secret. This here momma can expect to do this training stuff all over again approximately April 2016!