Tuesday, October 9, 2012

30 and Pregnant

 
Well, you’ve probably already figured out I’m pregnant. Either from my last blog post or from the ultrasound video my husband posted from our last ultrasound. I have to say that ultrasound is what jump kicked my excitement about this pregnancy.
Now don’t get me wrong I was trying, but on August 2nd, my husband lost his job.  I had just come to the conclusion that we would wait trying until he gets himself settled. Well, life had different plans. On August 9th I found out I was pregnant. Not only was this baby #2 which scares the crap out of me but my husband has no job as of now. Begin mini freak out now.
Once the news started spreading that I was pregnant I would either get one of two things:  #1 “I hope it’s a girl.” (Yes I hope so too, it would please many many people.) And #2 “Aren’t you excited?” I’ve been kinda faking my excitement. Ok, let me explain myself. First babies are magical. You are naïve. But now, I know better. I am super excited to meet my new little one but I dread waking up in the middle of the night. I dread the diaper explosions. I know better now what’s to come AND to top it all off, I have another one I have to care for as well.  I know, I know it all works out. You make it through.  But I know it’ll be tough…tougher I think this time around.
And this pregnancy has already been tougher on me. I like to think it’s different because it’s a girl. BUT what my reasonable mind tells me it’s because I’m haggard. Ok, that’s a bit harsh. I’m older. I’m wiser. My body is more used this time around then when I had Desmond. And if it wasn’t already apparent to me that I am 30 and pregnant, I have this on my ultrasounds to remind me:
 
 Why do I need to see I’m 30y8mo on my ultrasound? Much more appealing to see 11w2d, no? I just wasn’t prepared to see that I’m on the back half of 30. I know, I’m being melodramatic but it one of the few things that bug me is getting older and not feeling older.
Anyways, when I had the 11 week ultrasound it really got me excited. It looked like a baby.  He/she was a crazy mover. I was able to focus on looking forward to feeling the baby in a few weeks. I was able to let go some of the stress I have held onto.  
As for body image issues, they are awful this time around. I’m even more stressed out about my body this time. I gained 55 pounds with Desmond and loved every minute of it. I wouldn’t hear of being called fat. I was pregnant, damn it.  This time, I look fat. Do I look fat? I’m fat. That’s what goes through my head now. So to help, it’s my personal goal to not break the 35 pound mark. (Wish me luck, I do love to eat.)
Anyways, I’m pregnant with #2. And I’m excited and a bit scared. But it’s definitely going to be a fun journey. (And for those waiting to know…sometime early December will be when I find out the sex.)

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