Don’t be such a Pessimist

Well I’ve gone and done it. I’ve gone and started the process of becoming a roller derby chick; You are reading the blog of a Skater Tot. How awesome is that? Last Thursday my friend Julie and I drove all the way out to Rockford (about an hour and fifteen minutes from where I live) to meet Killswitch, the recruiter of the Rockford Rage. First thing I’m told as I enter the rink, “You’ve got the perfect roller derby ass.” Sweet! First time I’m thankful for having such a big ass.

This was the first time that Julie and I skated in years; I fell twice. The first one being the more embarrassing of the two because it happened just as Killswitch skated up to tell me how much I improved over the past half hour. Nice way to show my improvement right? Plus I have a jacked-up looking knee with scabs and bruises. My next fall was much later into the evening when Julie skated up to me to talk. I feel backwards this time and landed on the side of my butt and hip. No bruises for this one but it definitely left me sore. I guess the moral of the story for me is…don’t attempt talking while on speed skates. Below is a close-up of my knee.

So, I’m guessing you’re figuring that despite my falls that I had a good time and I’m looking forward to more, so why is this blog entitled “Don’t be such a Pessimist”? I have this annoying habit of looking too far into future and determining whether something will or will not work out without giving it an honest go. Right now, all that is required of me is to show up to practice once a week and work on the long list of required minimum skills in order to practice with the ladies of the Rockford Rage. That alone has me doubting my ability to commit to this. Getting to Rockford by 6:30 means leaving by 5:15 to get there on time and that’s way too early to even think about my husband being home in time, which means I have to pay a babysitter, I have to pay for the gas, I have to pay for admittance into the roller rink and for the skate rentals and that’s only once a week. What happens when it’s twice a week? I’m already feeling bad for leaving my son behind and on top of that I feel like my bills could easily swallow me whole and now I’m committing to something I really want to do but will definitely put a dent in my pocketbook.

All I need is that one small sliver of doubt and suddenly I find several reasons not to peruse an adventure. I look at the required minimum skills and decide that I’ll never get there based on how unsteady I am I skates right now. I don’t look at it as spending a little each week; I think of the sum total and decide it’s too much. My brain thinks not only can I not afford it but I want more kids one day, therefore abort this mission now! It’s like I have to decide today if I want to bout or have a family? That is the extreme measures my mind works. I have the hardest time seeing a way I can do both. I don’t know what practices will be like when I finally make it to the point of practicing with the veterans. I don’t know when I’ll want to start trying for another kid. I don’t need all the money right now but I just start to “rationalize” and give up before seeing anything through. I’ve done it to myself for school and I’m doing it again now for skating.

So, my new mantra is…”One week at a time.” I know right now, this Thursday I have a babysitter, I can afford it and I want to go. So I will. If I get to a point I can’t afford it, I can’t find a babysitter or I want to expand my family then I‘ll stop when the times comes. Very simple mantra but sometimes I need the reminder to think this way. This is something I’m excited about and I know I’ll be upset if I let me talk myself out of it without giving it an honest try.

Goals of a Vanishing Woman

(Desmond and I last month at Navy Pier. He's the muse behind #2.)

This morning I woke up and had a joyous surprise on the scale. I am FINALLY out of the 220’s!!! I’ve been in the low 220’s for the past three weeks and I really thought my running class would have zipped me right out of them but to no avail. Then that magical thing called a period happened and I’m out of the 220’s. Hallelujah! Does that sound funny to you too? For some great unknown reason to humanity I actually drop weight faster when on my period. Unlike many woman who retain water and get bloated, I feel my absolute best during my period and usually the weight lost stays off as long as I continue eating healthy and exercising, which I fully plan on doing.

So, this new found sense of accomplishment makes me want to list some of the things I want to accomplish this year and here they are:

#1 – ROLLER DERBY – Say what!?! Yup, that’s right, wimple dimple me wants to try out for Roller Derby. I saw my first and only bout a couple months ago and thought it looked like an awesome time. Yes, I’m scared of failing, tripping, meeting new people, losing some teeth, getting hurt in general but I think there are more positive than negatives like exercise, making friends and having a good time. Plus, it’s something I can do for me. I miss playing a competitive sport. Now, joining might be an issue, so my actual goal is to contact the recruiter of the Rockford Rage team and find out what would be required. I’ve done a little research and in general practice is required 2 – 3 times per week; Monday thru Friday is a problem for me. But I’m keeping my fingers crossed I’m not the only working mom and that they have some late night practices. So if I can practice and I can afford the monthly dues, then I want to go for it and I expect you all to be there at my first bout…now for the most interesting part…what should my name be???

#2 – TATTOOS – There are two tattoos that I want. So I’m going to set a weight goal for each to keep me motivated and working toward getting those tattoos and a better body. First, I have a butterfly tattoo on my ankle that I hate. I love that it was a sister tattoo but it is fug-ly! I had to learn the unfortunate lesson that a shared stencil for a tattoo does not look the same when done by different tattoo artists. My sisters had one artist, I had another and let it be said I got the shitty artist. Needless to say, I want a cover-up tattoo. I have a necklace of the Tree of Life and when I looked it up, not only did I find the symbolism of the tree beautiful but the figure as well. So, when I reach Onderland (that’s out of the 200’s), I’m going to get my Tree of Life tattoo over my butterfly. My other tattoo is still a work in progress; I know I want Desmond’s name but not sure with what or where, but I want it bad. So I’m making this the harder one to reach. When I reach 180, I’m allowed to get it. 180 may seem like a lot to you still but I haven’t been 180 since high school; In fact I graduated at around 190, so I’m excited to see how I’ll look at 180.

#3 – PICTURES - I want to document being thin or I should say in shape. There’s this awesome photography studio that does Boudoir & Pin-up girl photos that my friend sent me. Not only will my husband appreciate the photos but I will too. I don’t want anything I couldn’t show my close friends and family, which means all my bits will be covered, so when I’m old and wrinkly I’m going to show my kids and grandkids and say “Hey buckaroos, wasn’t Grandma beautiful?” Hahaha, buckaroos! But seriously, just like Samantha did on Sex and the City, I want to show that “Yeah, that was me. I looked great didn’t I?” I want to look back and see pictures that show I feel beautiful and sexy. Granted it doesn’t take boudoir photos to do it, but it’s something I want to do. I can’t set a weight limit for this one, it’ll be when I feel comfortable enough to take photos half nude.

Well, that’s it for now. I’m super excited that I’m only 18.5 pounds away from getting my cover-up tattoo and I think I’ll be sending that email to the recruiter when my running class ends on August 3rd. If I can’t fill up my time doing some roller skating, then I think I’ll continue running. I’m beginning to like it more and more and I’m hurting less and less from it.

What else can this vanishing woman look forward too as a skinny broad?

In Grimace's Shoes

Ok, I admit this picture of Grimace is pretty happy and the subject matter within this blog entry is not whimsical so don’t be misled by the happy smiley face above.

Yesterday, I notice a certain post on facebook:

“Pro Tip: Large woman wearing purple don’t like being told “Pick a side of the sidewalk Grimace.”

I might not have written this verbatim because it was removed from facebook but it captures the essence of the post. At first read through I thought it was funny and a split second later I was upset and mad. It’s one thing to poke fun of someone’s size if you’re provoked and are verbally sparing with that person, but this large woman in purple with a staggering step just happens to cross the wrong person’s path. What did she do to be suddenly referred to as Grimace? Nothing. My biggest hope is that she did know that Grimace is the large purple monster from McD’s cast of characters; I’m hoping she just knew she was being called something negative and moves on with her day. Cause if she’s anything like me, it can still be hurtful years from now.

What am I talking about??? A few years ago (at least 2 years or more) I was shopping at Woodfield with my friend. I was approached by one of those people who take surveys in the mall. I ended up telling the kid I didn’t have time to take his survey. He then proceeded to tell me rudely that I needed to go to Jenny Craig. Really!?! Like I don’t know I have weight issues? Like I need some punk teenager to tell me I needed to lose weight? WTF? It ruined my whole night. I acted as if I wasn’t pissed and kept shopping but really I was crushed on the inside that somebody I don’t even know, somebody I don’t even care to know, could make me feel so low about myself.

And that’s why this comment pissed me off. I didn’t deserve to be insulted about my weight just because I didn’t have time to take that kids survey. That woman didn’t deserve to be described as the big fat Grimace from McD’s because she was in the way of someone in a rush. We were both in a situation where we were used as vents for a stranger’s frustrations.

Ode to Twilight

This was going to be a movie review for Eclipse but I realized I could sum up my opinion in a few short sentences. It was awesome. It captured the essence of the book. It was the best movie yet out of the Twilight Saga. Previously, New Moon really set a standard for me and Eclipse not only met that standard but also raised it. It wasn’t hard for New Moon to be great because Twilight was so god awful. I’d even be excited to see Twilight again if they ever decided to reshoot it with a new director and rewrote some of the script. I even think the acting skills are getting better on these kids or perhaps I’m just so use to their bad acting, it doesn’t affect me anymore but either way, they just keep getting better.

Now to the purpose of this here blog entry…why is Twilight so wonderful? Let me start first by saying how much it irritates me when I read that Stephenie Meyer has no writing ability. Say what?!? This woman did not sell millions of books because she sucked at writing. She sold millions of books because she successfully captured the magnificence of your first love. She succeeded in writing a classic love story for young adults and as we all know for many adult women. (Twimom here, hello!) She even went as far as creating her own vampire mythology and though the idea of sparkling vampires is quite funny, I enjoyed reading the changes to the stereotypical vampire.

So what does Twilight mean to me? Well, do you remember your first crush? Do you remember when they walked into the room you’d hold your breath? Do you remember when they approached you, you’d get butterflies in your stomach? Do you remember when walking side by side with them and your hands accidently brushed together? Do you remember going to a movie and hoping and praying they would just grab your hand? Do you remember the stress and nerves you felt when you couldn’t decide if that first kiss was coming? That is how Twilight makes me feel and I think it makes lots of women feel this way. It puts a flutter in your stomach. It makes your heart beat with anticipation. It makes you feel like your falling in love for the first time.

Part of the reason Twilight was an epic fail was because the director overlooked the simplicity and awesomeness of a touch. In the book, I remember quite clearly the way Edward would trace his cold hand along Bella’s warm check. How he’d drag is nose along her neck ingesting her scent. All those sensations were new to Bella, so therefore were new to me, making me get all giddy and gaga inside. It took me back to a time when I was sitting on a couch next to my crush (and current husband mind you) and he put his arm across my shoulders and he lightly traced his fingers back and forth on my arm. It was and is still one of the most amazing feelings I’ve ever felt. So why wouldn’t I want to read a book that causes me to get a similar feeling in my tummy? No reason, hence the main reason why I’ve read Twilight and the rest more than once.

I know for most women, watching the movies and reading the books is as far as their obsession goes. And that’s ok. In fact, that’s normal. I don’t claim to be normal. After reading Breaking Dawn, I felt a little jipped after their first night on their honeymoon. I do realize this is a young adult story but the fade to black that happened just as they were about to get busy did not meet my expectations. I spent four books dying for these two to seal the deal and what do you get??? Fade to black! I remember reading stories in grade school that had racier things in them then this book did. Total fail Stephenie…total fail. To ease my disappointed heart, my dear best friend knew of this fairytale world called fanfiction and sent me a link of an authors version of the missing scenes; I was instantly hooked. Not only did I get the fix I needed but I was able to enjoy these characters that much longer. The addiction is so strong that even though Breaking Dawn was released in August 2008, I’m still reading fanfiction…that almost 2 years later. I think that this speaks volumes on how much Stephenie Meyer makes you care about her characters and it also says that I’m loyal and a wee bit crazy in the head.

Another huge selling point on the Twilight Saga is that almost every woman you know has read it. If they haven’t, please lend them your books. I get so much joy spreading my love for Twilight to others. I enjoy spotting a stranger holding the book and starting a conversation with them about it. I love having my friends over for a party whenever the movies are released on DVD. It makes for good conversation and gives women something to bond over. It has also awakened my reading habit and made some of my friends enjoy reading for the first time. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Why do you love the Twilight Saga? (And if you want some great fanfic recommendations, I’ve got plenty.)