A Year of Self Discovery

(My angry duck face inspired by my Snooki hair, no I'm not a Jersey Shore fan.)

In February I wrote a blog titled “Should I Stay or Should I Zombie.” It was about this idea for a zombie story that randomly popped into my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for days. It got to a point where I started a scribble page with notes and ideas as they came to me. Not all of those ideas were keepers but I wanted to capture it all. It was the first time I was inspired to write something that wasn’t a blog. It wasn’t my opinion on any subject. It wasn’t a retelling of a funny story. It was an original idea. Something I could create and it seriously made me consider trying to attempt writing a story. Though I always enjoyed the books we read in English classes, the assignments were the part I didn’t enjoy. I never felt like a writer because everything I was asked to write felt forced. So using my past bad experiences with writing overwhelm me, I let the creative feeling pass. The ideas stopped coming but I did hold onto my scribble notes incase inspiration ever strikes again. But what I can’t get out of my mind was the feeling that something exciting was about to happen. One comment on that blog particularly stepped out to me to. Jac wrote “If you write, you are a writer.” This person, who is one of the few followers I don’t actually know, lit a small fire within me. They made me realize that I am a writer. As insignificant I might be right now as a writer, I write therefore I am. It’s just that simple. I’m not writing the next bestseller or news worthy reports but I’m writing for me. Because it feels good.

The biggest change I’ve made to my writing, is writing what I know. I’m not writing an introduction paragraph followed up by facts. I’m not researching topics. I’m not forcing to quote references, focusing on any grammar or worrying how small my vocabulary is. I type as fast as the thoughts and ideas come to me. I highly recommend it; it’s almost therapeutic. Like releasing the pressure in my brain. And now that I’m excited about writing, I’m actually more interested in proper grammar and expanding my vocabulary. I’ve already signed up to receive a Word A Day email from Webster. There’s still time yet to become a word junkie right? As for proper grammar, well I imagine that will always be an issue. I want my words to sound like me. And until I can speak properly, it’ll always be a little off. Plus, it may be because I’m naïve but I like to think that if I wrote something great one day, I’ll just have an amazing editor to put a good polish on my work.

And I have to say, starting this blog has been great. I love running into friends and family who come up to me and actually discuss something I wrote. I can’t help but glow a little bit when a few of my crazy awesome aunts say I have a talent for writing. Though I do believe they are a bit biased because I’m family, they wouldn’t say that if I was god awful either. So I suppose I can say I’m winning! And it never fails to amaze me which blogs get the most feedback. I think to date most of my woman readers responded to the “MILF Me” blog. And that one made me a little proud because my husband wasn’t too crazy about it. But I had the proof right in front of me, I’m not the only one. And that’s one other great thing about writing; you receive support and realize that your never the only one.

So my writing pilot is still lit. And I’ve begun looking into creative writing classes. I mentioned this to my dear old husband and I was actually a little offended at his response. After asking me how much a six week online course at ECC would cost, Michael responded “So it’s basically a $100 journal.” Ok, I will agree he has some merits. I am a beginner writer. Nothing from this class will probably evolve into anything but I suppose my gambling side is coming out because I can’t help but think what if! What if I take this creative writing class and it helps me get my start. I’ve already had more random story ideas pop into my head. What if one assignment blooms a small paragraph about one of those ideas. Then that paragraph grew into two pages, into a full chapter and before you know it, I have a novel. It could happen.

Don’t get my husband wrong, he’s supportive. And he’s smart. We’ve been together a long time and he knows that I get excited and ambitious whenever something new has caught my attention. What he also knows is that my attention can wan when the going gets tough. So I’d like to point out it’s been one year. One year of what? One year of blogging my friends. I have written 50 blogs in the past year. That’s almost an average of one per week. I honestly can’t see it stopping anytime soon either. So Mr. Vicious, time to embrace the new writer in the family.

(The scariest thing for me about this creative writing class is sharing my writing and getting feedback from my fellow students. Because I don’t’ see it like this blog. I’m comfortable with this. It’s like a journal, justing describing how I see my day to day life. What I’m hoping to get out of the class is starting a story that’s completely made up. Little spooky.)

The Everlasting Waistline Battle

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been avoiding the scale. The weight loss competition is over at my job and I’ve used that as an excuse not to step on the scale. (And to those who might be asking “did you win?” Nope, not even close this time.) I’ve also let my grocery shopping slip through my fingers. I was going every weekend, stocking up for that week while I was in the competition but for the past two months or so, I have been going every two weeks. Which means, I run out of food before the next time I go and what happens then? Well, I pick up convenient fast food. And fast food to me can be like crack. I can always have room for one more french fry.

So, I forced myself on the scale two weeks ago and I’m up a few pounds. Not my ideal situation. And I’m 100% certain it’s do to skipping grocery shopping every week. So to remedy this temporary brain fart to my healthy life routine, here is what I’m going to change:

#1 – Every Sunday, without fail, I will go to the grocery store. Since I live close enough to a 24 hours Woodman’s, there’s really no excuse not to shop. When I feel tired and too lazy to get off the couch on Sunday I will remind myself that not only am I not burning calories as I sit around but I am guaranteeing myself that I will consume many more calories later in the week. Therefore, it is impetrative that either my husband or I will shop every Sunday.

#2 – No fast food drive-thru’s. Nope none! Now, read what I really wrote. No drive thru’s, not no fast food. Sometimes life has you on the run and it just makes life easier to stop. This will do two things for me; first I will rethink if I really need this supposed fast food because if you have any little kids they are not amused about going in and out of the car. It really is only convenient for me if I truly need to stop. Secondly, it will save me money. Every time I avoid going to get fast food and decide to prepare myself a hodge-podge meal from whatever I have at home will save me money, bonus! Plus, I’m sure whatever crap I can put together at home is a little healthier than what I would have picked up. And to anyone who’s ever been on a diet before and have restricted yourself, what is the first thing you want when you say you can’t have it. You want it bad! You want it now! So far, this mentality that I can have fast food, just not drive thru is fooling my brain that I’m not saying no, I’m just saying “walk your fast ass into the restaurant!”

What little tricks do you have about food to keep a slimmer waist?

Second Time Around

(My family)

When my husband and I decided to start a family it felt like the easiest decision. Though I had no idea how we would afford the extra expenses of diapers and formula, nor did I know what daycare arrangement would be made; we just jumped in head first and knew that we would not sink, we’d swim. So three months before our wedding I decided to go off my birth control and we sustained from sex until our wedding night. It was a win-win situation, got me off a long-time run of taking birth control and made our wedding night more exciting. (Seriously, did not want to end up one of those brides too tired to consummate their marriage immediately!) Our wedding night and honeymoon landed at a time in my cycle that conception was impossible. And I swore that I would let things just happen on its own but I was just so ready to be a mom I couldn’t help but track my ovulation days and made sure the deed was done to increase our chances. And I succeeded! One month of trying and I was pregnant. My pregnancy was amazing. I had no issues with morning sickness, no constipation, hardly a lick of heartburn and I just felt really good about myself and starting a family. It was an amazing nine months of my life.

So now, almost two years after my little Desmond was born, I have baby fever. (Thanks a lot Lindsey for all those awesome updates and pregnancy photos!) So I thought the natural step would be to lose the birth control and so it was done. Now, two short weeks into being birth control free and the idea of true unprotected sex almost gives me a panic attack. What was once such an effortless decision suddenly feels like the biggest-life changing-decision of all time.

The second time around feels so much different. I suddenly feel like I could sink. Am I ready to share my love with another child? Could we really afford two children in daycare? Am I ready to commit to sleepless nights and the stress of having a newborn? How will Desmond handle having a sibling? Will I be able to maintain a cool head when I have two kids screaming for my attention? It’s like I’m plagued with what-if’s and how will-I’s.

I have no doubt more children are in my future. I may not have been able to imagine exactly what my career life should have been but I have a crystal clear idea of what my family life looks like. (And it’s a big family.) I think I’m afraid of how another baby would change the dynamic of our current life. It’s not for the bad, it’s just for the different and sometimes something different is scary.

I never would have thought that deciding to have a second child would be scarier than deciding on having the first. And I still haven’t decided if my worries are based on the unknown of adding a second child into our family mix or if it’s based on truly not being ready for the second.

So all second-third-fourth time moms out there…what went t through your mind when you decided (or some might say found out) you were pregnant for the second time?

MILF Me

This is a wee bit of an embarrassing confession for me but I think everyone can relate to wanting to feel desired. Regardless if you consider yourself hot or very plain, we all experience the same emotions. I’d also like to add because he might be wondering…my dear husband does make me feel desirable. But when you love someone you see more than just the outside. I’m talking about at a first look kind of desire.

How many times have you seen a teen-flick with the slow motion entrance of the school hottie? The boy stares and drools. Declares “oh yes, she will be mine.” (Ok, that was a rip from Wayne’s World but the saying fits here anyways). I always thought and hoped I was that moment for some boy in school. I’m not talking to the point of obsession but just enough of a moment that someone stops what they are doing and appreciates the view in front on them.

Ok, now I’m making myself blush. That totally sounded like I think I’m an almighty bombshell. Not what I mean to express, so read between the lines. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl and have lived those moments myself that makes me think boys did that in return. Do you guys? I swear middle school for me was filled with daily slow action films as a cute boy entered the classroom. (Hello, anyone else notice Vince DiMaria in 7th & 8th grade?) Is it so wrong to hope that they did that in return?

Now as an adult I’m not much better. My derby wife currently loves telling the story how I look around when I’m dancing to see who’s watching me. It’s true, I do. I can’t help it. And I swear it’s 100% of the reason I get hit on too. (So single ladies this might be something you want to try.) Think about it. You’re dancing and you look around to see who’s watching. Since you are looking and they are looking, eye contact is made. But have you ever caught someone watching you before? What’s your instinct? You turn away. Then you keep checking to see if they are still looking. It’s like instinctual to keep checking. Hence, lots more eye contact. Which I think puts out a “friendly” vibe to the watcher, therefore results in getting approached by dudes. Not a system I need since I’m not looking (very happily married, you see) but give it a try spinsters.

And what do I strive for now…being a MILF! Thanks a lot American Pie for putting that term in my head. No, I’m not looking to score with a younger man like in the movie. Cougardom is not for me. But again, I want to be a hot mom. Plain and simple. I want Desmond’s friends to think “Damn your dad’s lucky!” And I feel it’s safe to assume that my husband would appreciate having a hot wife. It’s a win-win for me and him. I suppose it’s not such a bad thing to strive for.