Second Time Around

(My family)

When my husband and I decided to start a family it felt like the easiest decision. Though I had no idea how we would afford the extra expenses of diapers and formula, nor did I know what daycare arrangement would be made; we just jumped in head first and knew that we would not sink, we’d swim. So three months before our wedding I decided to go off my birth control and we sustained from sex until our wedding night. It was a win-win situation, got me off a long-time run of taking birth control and made our wedding night more exciting. (Seriously, did not want to end up one of those brides too tired to consummate their marriage immediately!) Our wedding night and honeymoon landed at a time in my cycle that conception was impossible. And I swore that I would let things just happen on its own but I was just so ready to be a mom I couldn’t help but track my ovulation days and made sure the deed was done to increase our chances. And I succeeded! One month of trying and I was pregnant. My pregnancy was amazing. I had no issues with morning sickness, no constipation, hardly a lick of heartburn and I just felt really good about myself and starting a family. It was an amazing nine months of my life.

So now, almost two years after my little Desmond was born, I have baby fever. (Thanks a lot Lindsey for all those awesome updates and pregnancy photos!) So I thought the natural step would be to lose the birth control and so it was done. Now, two short weeks into being birth control free and the idea of true unprotected sex almost gives me a panic attack. What was once such an effortless decision suddenly feels like the biggest-life changing-decision of all time.

The second time around feels so much different. I suddenly feel like I could sink. Am I ready to share my love with another child? Could we really afford two children in daycare? Am I ready to commit to sleepless nights and the stress of having a newborn? How will Desmond handle having a sibling? Will I be able to maintain a cool head when I have two kids screaming for my attention? It’s like I’m plagued with what-if’s and how will-I’s.

I have no doubt more children are in my future. I may not have been able to imagine exactly what my career life should have been but I have a crystal clear idea of what my family life looks like. (And it’s a big family.) I think I’m afraid of how another baby would change the dynamic of our current life. It’s not for the bad, it’s just for the different and sometimes something different is scary.

I never would have thought that deciding to have a second child would be scarier than deciding on having the first. And I still haven’t decided if my worries are based on the unknown of adding a second child into our family mix or if it’s based on truly not being ready for the second.

So all second-third-fourth time moms out there…what went t through your mind when you decided (or some might say found out) you were pregnant for the second time?