Just Call me Randy

Some people might find this topic disturbing; so if you get queasy at the idea of me having sex, if the words wet or throbbing disturbs you, if you easily get embarrassed when saying the words penis or vagina, if reading this few lines are making you blush, then let me suggest this…stop reading now!

Ok, I hope that got rid of most of my family. For some reason I’m in the mood for talking about something saucy and by saucy I mean movies that make me randy…yeah baby!

I tried googling “Sexiest Movies of All Time” in hopes to find movies to add to my short list of baby making movies, but I honestly had not seen a lot of them or I did not find them sexy. For instance, Basic Instinct was on many lists. I just recently saw this movie for the first time and I was kinda looking forward to watching and waiting for my husband to come home, but unfortunately my husband could not reap the benefits of his wife getting hot and bothered over a movie. Basic Instinct was a total fail in the sexy department. First, I did not care for any of the acting. It seriously felt like a very short step up from a porno. I know for a fact I’ve seen Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone having decent acting skills but they locked those skills up tight while making this film. Also, the nature of sexy times did not appeal to me as a woman. I suppose if I was a man, the “hardcore” sex scenes might have given me a stiffy but I’m not a man. This movie blowed!

Well, 2002 was a good year for sexy movies because my top 2 sexiest movies of all time were released that year. So let’s begin with my #2….Unfaithful.

Unfaithful (2002) - New York suburban couple's marriage goes dangerously awry when the wife indulges in an adulterous fling.

I can still clearly recall the weekend my husband and I watched this movie. Though I was HIGHLY disturbed by this movies ending it still left me with a GIANT itch that my husband had to scratch. (My vagina had a week’s recovery time, sorry for TMI.) It was well acted. The sex scenes were extremely believable. I never felt like I was waiting to hear that stereotypical music “bow chica wow wow” and though I don’t find adultery sexy, I do find the “forbidden” sexy. I read a boat load of vampire romance books. Why? Because I like the forbiddeness of the immortal vampire after the mortal human. Even the bible has the story of Adam & Eve and eating the forbidden apple. It’s a highly appealing aspect and this movie is full of it. I would recommend watching this movie with a loved one or heck with yourself; self love is totally cool. I will forewarn you that the biggest turn off of this movie is the ending, it’s not happy but you’ll still be ready for some action regardless.

And now for my #1 Sexiest Movie of all Time…Secretary.

Secretary (2002) - A young woman, recently released from a mental hospital, gets a job as a secretary to a demanding lawyer, where their employer-employee relationship turns into a sexual, sadomasochistic one.

Ok, Ok…I realize from the short synopsis above this movie does not sound sexy. In fact it sounds crazy. Heck I even realize that the actors, James Spader & Maggie Gyllenhael, aren’t even that great looking. Some of you may even be repulsed or confused by the word sadomasochistic. But none of those even come close to factoring in the sexiness that this movie has. I am, in no way shape or form, into sadomasochism and you don’t need to be to find this movie sexy or relatable. While watching I easily related to Maggie’s character throughout the film as she’s left wanting for more from James Spader. As her desire builds and builds throughout the film, I also felt my own growing desire. The most surprising thing for me was I watched it for the first time on basic television, so all nudity was cut out and things were shortened, but I was still getting incredibly turned on. Also, the movie ends on a happy note which easily places this movie in my #1 slot over Unfaithful. Though highly unconventional, this is an epic love story that is well acted, well written and might make you feel dirty while watching but at the same time makes you excited and bedroom ready.

What movie makes your apex ache or makes your pork sword salute? I’m always looking for something new. (Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always need a movie to put me in the mood.)

A Word to the Unwise

This weekend I was a little stressed out. My son is turning one and on Friday morning I find out the photographers scheduled his photo shoot for Saturday morning when I had a confirmation they were a month later. Though it doesn’t seem like a big deal, I had big plans for nice outfits for me, my husband and child. So I took a half day off work to find said items in one night of shopping. I was really proud of myself and how much I got done before Saturday mornings photo shoot.

As I got ready Saturday, I’m wearing my new outfit. I’ve put on my new make-up and I’m feeling great about how I’m looking. So as my husband is driving us to our appointment I notice he keeps looking at me. I think it’s because of my make-up; it’s a little different than what I normally wear but it’s a subtle change. I begin to doubt my new confidence I have from the outfit and make-up. So I’m looking for a quick pick me up. I ask…”How do I look honey?”

Granted, what my husband responded with wasn’t bad, but a word to the unwise…when your wife asks “How do I look honey” please don’t say “Fine.” Fine feels like it’s just above acceptable. Fine feels like “it’ll do.” Fine feels indifferent. If a woman is asking how she looks she is NEVER waiting to hear the word “fine.” I can guarantee it. Now if that woman is insecure about her weight, on her way to a photo shoot capturing said weight and you’re driving in the car to that appointment so there’s no chance of changing what she’s wearing, it very safe to say “fine” is not going to work. And it’s also safe to assume she’s going to be a little snappy.

I know, I know…I’m being a little sensitive and crazy. I’ll be the first to admit it but if this small warning can help any couple from having a stressful car conversation on what “fine” does and does not imply, then I have succeeded. So gentlemen, never say your lady friend looks fine, it just doesn’t cut it. Imagine how different this would have felt if he had said “Great.” That one little word changes the tone completely. Makes for a happy wife and pleasant car ride.

Good luck Gentlemen…us woman are complex creatures.

Finding Me – Career Life

I can’t remember the exact date but I remember a certain conversation I had with my mother. We were simply in the car and she says “Michelle, what do you want to do with your life? Cause you aren’t doing what you’re suppose to be doing. You were meant for more.” How is it that at 28 years old, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up?

I considered Mortuary school for awhile, but if I’m honest with myself, I’m not quite comfortable comforting strangers who have lost a loved one. I’m also not comfortable with the selling aspect at a funeral home. I would literally want to be in all behind the scenes area of this field. Is that realistic? I’m not sure. Plus this requires full-time days for school and after school clinicals, so I would have no time for my family; Not a big fan of that.

Another career I considered was the Army. I remember a recruiter coming in and talking to my eighth grade class about her life with the Army and thought “I wanna do that.” It also gave me a new outlook on the army. I can’t help but see a solider in uniform and I get teary eyed; They may be strangers but I’m proud of them and I’m literally thankful for their service to our country. But here I am at an undesirable age and overweight. I once went to a recruiter and even went as far as testing to join the reserves but part of the reason I didn’t step forward was because I couldn’t decided on my MO. And now, I’m at an age that if I got in shape do I really want to join? I have a family and army life is so strict. They say jump, you say how high. I couldn’t imagine asking Michael or Desmond to move around or fear me heading to war.

What I want is not something that can be taught. I want to own a campground. I want my own movie theater. (Like the Cat Low in Barrington, Google it. They are great.) I’d even love to have a riverside marina where boaters can dock and have fresh food and drinks before scampering off on the rest of their afternoons. I would love to own a book store. But does one start something like this? I’m certainly not interested in getting a business degree but can’t see how I would understand running my own business without it. I certainly don’t have savings to start my own business. I don’t even have big enough balls to actually start my own business.

I feel like I should have a career counselor like I use to have in high school. It didn’t help me then but perhaps it could help me now. Maybe there’s more out there that I’m not aware off. I guess I just feel scared; scared to fail, scared of trying something new, scared to commit, scared of financial doom…the list goes on and on. I suppose I’m looking for something that sounds so worthwhile that I’ll be up for the risk. And I wish it could be as easy as decidng to start a family because so far that is the best decision I've made since growing up. Now if only if I could figure out my career path…

What do you want to be when you grow up?